原来我没想象中那么快乐

我的好友，平曾经问过我一个假设性的问题。

他说：“如果有一天你死了，你最大的遗憾是什么？”

我思考了一番后便回答：“没什么遗憾，因为从我懂事以来，我都尽我能力，用心把每一件事做好, 所以没什么好遗憾的."

我还反问他：“尽力就好了，不是吗？”

但是, 我今天才发现原来尽力是不够的, 因为周遭的人想要看到的不是过程而是结果. 谁会在乎你经历过多少波折,费尽了多少心思,花了多少心血,吃了多少苦? 只有我们自己本身而已, 不是吗?

我顿了顿, 想了想: 我到底为什么而辛苦,为什么而忙碌, 为谁而痛苦. 是自己吗? 是身边的亲人吗？还是为了麻木的追求所谓的幸福？

那，我又为什么而活？活着的意义又是什么？

也许，可能我只是纯粹的生存而已．因为我认为我的生活毫无意义．

Isolation

I hate it when I have to be politically correct.

I hate it when I have to 'do the correct thing'.

I hate it when I have to live up to the expectations of others.

I hate it when I am being compared to others.

I hate it when I am being judged.

I hate it when I am a test subject.

I hate it when I am no longer in control of my own life.

I hate it when I don't have a say.

I hate it when I lose myself.

I hate it when I want to escape but I don't have a back route.

I hate it when I have nowhere to run to.

I hate it when I have to suppress my feelings.

I hate it when I can't express my emotions.

I hate it when no one understands.




I hate feeling suffocated.

I can't breathe.

I feel choked.



I think I should really isolate myself even though I might not like it.

Importance of Communication

We always expect people to understand how we feel or why we react that way but most times we aren't that willing to share how we exactly feel, or what we are expecting. Such irony ya?

However, most of us aren't willing to display behaviours that reflect our emotions and speak how we feel. To some extent, we would prefer people to guess how we are feeling and what we would like things to be. We expect them to know what we want without telling much and the other party will always wished that you'll be more direct so that they will not land themselves into some 'mind game'.

But isn't life a chore when its so straightforward. Imagine describing each and every single detail of your thought process and emotional state. Everything will become so routine and boring. Then, you wouldn't take the effort to spend time interacting with another person, observe their personality traits, interests, likes, dislikes and such.

I read an article written by this columnist who commented that she isn't a great fan of writing notes on facebook, as it is a short cut to knowing your friends; minimal effort to know more thus allowing lesser time for interaction. She feels that one should spend quality (and quantity) with each other so that more can be discovered of each other through time spent and communication.

However, there are some behaviours you won't display (or rather you choose not to display) in front of friends under most circumstances and there are some things you wouldn't mention in conversations.

Take for instance, most of my close friends and family members did badly for "How well do you know me" quiz and failed terribly. These are the people who have spent a great bulk of time with me throughout my life. If such quizes never existed, most of them would not have known that I have once saved a cockroach, I detest eating tau sar pau (alot and I mean A LOT) and that I really love buying watches (selectively unique watches only).

Such quizes and notes aren't reflective of how much time one spend with his/her friends and/or love ones (though that doesn't explain why I'm upset that most of my friends failed the test).

We all wear a social mask to hide our most inner self. Wearing a social mask is akin to wearing clothes. We aren't that keen to remove it in front of others. Imagine being stark naked in front of others? Not many people like that idea of being a see-through as we are most vulnerable at that stage.

I guess most of us will continue to be in this 'mind game' of guessing until the day when humans have entire trust and faith in each other. The day when evil is history. Will that day ever come?