Words, Thoughts, Feelings

I'm someone who likes to keep thoughts and feelings to myself. Unlike most people, I find it difficult to speak to others about my problems or unhappiness. Even when I'm misunderstood, I'd usually prefer to remain silent because I always feel that, if someone chooses to think or feel negatively about me, it will be pointless for me to explain myself. I will seem as though I'm covering up for myself. So why bother to explain?

解释就是掩饰，不是吗？

I guess that's probably why I always feel so choked and suffocated; my emotional baggage is more than what I can handle and it doesn't seem to stop expanding.

Then, one fine day I chose to speak (unwillingly) but you kept interrupting me with either how you feel or posing me with leading questions. By doing so, it's obvious that your impression of me is already clouded by your judgment. Did you seriousl

y mean it when you said you won't be judgmental? I highly doubt so. Isn't it human nature to judge others? Why did I so stupidly choose to believe you. Just what was I thinking of?

To make matters worse, you chose to reveal whatever I said to a third party when you promised to keep things between us. I know, from your point of view that it may be for my/our welfare but honestly I will prefer to just keep things confidential. After all, that was what you promised me in the first place, wasn't it?

I feel like history is repeating itself, yet again. It takes me a long time to trust others comfortably enough for me to speak. It took an even greater courage for me to reveal parts of inner self. And you spoilt it by betraying my trust in you; the trust that you will keep things confidential.

I feel like such a fool. I don't know how I should react when I see you the next time. I really wish life will end at that instant. I'm so tired and sick of all these crap.

Just what am I living for?

Then again, maybe I'm just breathing, not living.